I am going to state at the very outset that I am against the very concept of arranged marriages as it is practised in India. So, yes, this little essay is going to be heavily biased, but what the heck, this is my blog after all and I should be allowed to say what I truly feel. The only problem is that my folks back at home are eventually going to read this, and let me tell you, you cannot find a more orthodox and conservative tamil brahmin family anywhere else.
Firstly, I do not get the whole idea of the caste system. Shockingly, our IT boom did not help us lose our pretentious divisions, it led to the creation of matrimonial websites which shamelessly and openly flaunt the adverts placed by many desperate people out there.
It disgusts me when I see one of these typical adverts which usually run like this: "Software engineer, IIT grad, working with MNC, looking for tall, fair, housewife of such and such caste and such and such gotra"
Many proponents of the arranged marriages cite the extremely low divorce rate in India, which is at present 1.1% and compare this with the much higher divorce rate in USA, which is 48%. Simply put, this argument is bull-crap! The divorce rate is not high in India because our society still frowns upon those who choose to leave an unhappy marriage. Partners in a malfunctioning marriage are usually expected to grit their teeth and hang in there no matter what.
It doesn't matter if their mental health keeps taking a beating every single day that they spend with each other forcibly, it doesn't matter that their psyche takes a beating when they are forced to sleep on separate beds because they cannot stand the sight of each other, it doesn't matter if their children face abuse and mental trauma from all the bitching and fighting everyday, because what really matters is family reputation and honour isn't it?
Women in the USA are not like the women in India who have been and are being oppressed. A woman here is usually perceived as nothing more than a house-maker and as a baby producing machine. As my biology teacher put it, the reason behind India's failure at population control is nothing more than "lack of recreation". Women are even today traded like livestock, the only difference is that people pay the seller for the livestock; in the case of women, the seller pays the husband a huge dowry to take away his daughter! Even educated women quietly consent to marriages wherein they are forced to play second fiddle, where they are forbidden from studying further or from working.
It is the double edged sword of lack of women empowerment and the ferocious, feral need for societal approval that has contributed towards India's low divorce rates.
Now I am not saying that arranged marriages go hand in glove with dowries or with the trend of subjugation of women. I do concede that many open minded people today are not averse to the idea of an empowered woman. Many have awoken and said no to dowries. But the fact remains that arranged marriages still do function on the principle of marrying within your own community.
We are a nation of bigots who make a loud hue and cry when a pretty face receives racist comments on some game show on UK's cable TV, go figure!
Firstly, I do not get the whole idea of the caste system. Shockingly, our IT boom did not help us lose our pretentious divisions, it led to the creation of matrimonial websites which shamelessly and openly flaunt the adverts placed by many desperate people out there.
It disgusts me when I see one of these typical adverts which usually run like this: "Software engineer, IIT grad, working with MNC, looking for tall, fair, housewife of such and such caste and such and such gotra"
Many proponents of the arranged marriages cite the extremely low divorce rate in India, which is at present 1.1% and compare this with the much higher divorce rate in USA, which is 48%. Simply put, this argument is bull-crap! The divorce rate is not high in India because our society still frowns upon those who choose to leave an unhappy marriage. Partners in a malfunctioning marriage are usually expected to grit their teeth and hang in there no matter what.
It doesn't matter if their mental health keeps taking a beating every single day that they spend with each other forcibly, it doesn't matter that their psyche takes a beating when they are forced to sleep on separate beds because they cannot stand the sight of each other, it doesn't matter if their children face abuse and mental trauma from all the bitching and fighting everyday, because what really matters is family reputation and honour isn't it?
Women in the USA are not like the women in India who have been and are being oppressed. A woman here is usually perceived as nothing more than a house-maker and as a baby producing machine. As my biology teacher put it, the reason behind India's failure at population control is nothing more than "lack of recreation". Women are even today traded like livestock, the only difference is that people pay the seller for the livestock; in the case of women, the seller pays the husband a huge dowry to take away his daughter! Even educated women quietly consent to marriages wherein they are forced to play second fiddle, where they are forbidden from studying further or from working.
It is the double edged sword of lack of women empowerment and the ferocious, feral need for societal approval that has contributed towards India's low divorce rates.
Now I am not saying that arranged marriages go hand in glove with dowries or with the trend of subjugation of women. I do concede that many open minded people today are not averse to the idea of an empowered woman. Many have awoken and said no to dowries. But the fact remains that arranged marriages still do function on the principle of marrying within your own community.
We are a nation of bigots who make a loud hue and cry when a pretty face receives racist comments on some game show on UK's cable TV, go figure!
6 comments:
Awesome article dude
@ Dilip- Thank you.
In our culture its the wedding of two families and not the individuals alone. There are many pre-marriage functions which allow both the families to interact and forge an understanding relationship. This is very vital because the two individuals who marry whether through arrangement or of their own choice, need the support when they decide to pro-create and raise children. Ok in case the couple decide not to have kids then what, may be your next queston. Life is indented with lots of incidents and eventualities and we all need a support system. In case of arranged marriage there is a sense of commitment from all of them and the support system is readily available. Even the doctors would agree that patients recuperate and heal faster when are tended to by their dear and near ones rather than by the sterile nursing staff or some care homes. Even the most seriously ill have recovered from the brink of death when they are with their family. So we can not decry the arranged marriage system perse, but try to remove the evils that have crept into the system. You know what many times we are influenced by others mostly people who are alien to our culture. Do we all think about many parents who are put to hardship by demanding kids who can sometimes go beyond sane limits in their demands. There are instances where friends, neighbours and you name anybody can be demanding and are these hot topic for the media? No, Simply because these are prevelant in almost in all the culture hence lets not discuss it. So take up dowry which is not prevelant elsewhere but only in India and bash them up in the media as barbarians. I am not justifying the demands in the name of dowry definitely not but lets not brand all the grooms side as villians. I know a lot of instance where the brides have demanded so many things from their parents. How'd you explain that?
In the case of love marriages, do you mean to say there are no demands. Even here the decision would be taken after weighing each other's contribution before entering into a relationship because once you tie the knot whether in arranged/love marriage you'd have a family to run.
But I must admit that a young adult like you has woken up to an issue and is raising valid questions.
i think adi is talking mainly about the social bias against "love marriages". that is certainly existent and quite stupid. if two people love each other and they want to get married, nobody else need have a say.
I couldn't agree more
Do you strongly feel that self made marriages are really strong like steel. In both cases there are advantages and disadvantages. After all the arranged marriages are done through parents who are supposed to be dear and hopefully this will be done keeping good interest on their children. Even in arranged marriages children total consent and opinion is taken and not simply th thrusted upon. In a love marriages most of the time it is initial spurt gets into action. Whereas in the arranged marriages the generally the overall life's requirements are taken into account.
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