LET THE WOMAN BLOOM

Watching the explosion of public sentiment after the horrendous incident in Delhi last week where a girl was brutally assaulted, I am beginning to fear that we are all missing the woods for the trees.

Everyone was clamouring for the capital punishment to be meted out to the accused. It was argued that this would set a precedent and would act as a deterrent. Everyone was understandably shaken, especially those with daughters.

The constant media attention on this particular case also brought out florid statements from our parliamentarians. While the Delhi government chose to blame the police, the media kept pointing out the excessive deployment of police personnel for VIP security and how this left our police forces understaffed. The “common public” interviewed on these channels blamed both.

While I share the revulsion at the disgusting and horrifying crime that has been committed, I am also left feeling a little underwhelmed. Listening to the response of the people on our popular media leaves me feeling like I have heard it all before and nothing has changed.

While some may say I am being cynical, I simply want to advise caution to everyone. Stop! Look out! We are falling into the familiar trap of missing the woods for the trees! While arguing over small details, we fail to recognize that the roots of such crimes are within each of our homes. Each one of us is guilty in a small way and must hold ourselves culpable. There are plenty of cases of domestic violence and abuse in each of our families, how many of us have had the courage to report our own uncles and stand in the dock against them? The women in such abusive relationships grit their teeth and bear it out, for they have nowhere else to turn to. Their parents would be unwilling to take them back due to the social stigma attached to a separated woman. They are unable to provide for themselves because their education was compromised, as their parents thought that the ‘place’ for a woman is by her husband’s side. How many of us raise our daughters to be strong independent individuals?

How many of us encourage and give our daughters equal opportunities to shine in life? Do we give them equal nourishment, healthcare and education? Do we nurture their dreams and aspirations to the same extent as that of our boys?

Simple things that seem innocuous to us are only the manifestations of this unfair social system. We have simply grown too comfortable with the system to recognize its warts. A husband walks into the house after work, kicks off his shoes and calls out to his wife for a cup of tea or coffee. The husband behaves as the lord at home and expects the women in his household to meekly submit to his every whim. We expect our wives to sacrifice their careers and aspirations. Major financial decisions of the family are taken without consulting the women. How then can we expect women to be consulted when it comes to running and governing the country?

The skewed sex ratio is a perfect example of the extent to which women have been mistreated. Families with girl children see them as a liability.

The malaise in our society runs deep and wide. The four boys are not the only culprits in this horrid incident. The collective inertia of all the social mores of our patriarchal society has snowballed over the years to ensure that the Men remain in control of property, progeny, home, and country.

It is easy for the politicians to hold the police guilty, for the media to hold the politicians guilty and for all the youth marching out to India Gate to hold the media, the politicians and the police guilty. Everyone is pointing fingers at just about everyone else.

Things are not going to magically change overnight by hanging those four boys. It may act as a small deterrent, but it is not going to change the lives of all the women and girls in our country. For that, we must look within and realize that true change must begin from us - our families and our own mohallas and villages.

We must stop perpetuating the patriarchal system of ‘giving away’ our girls. Why must a woman sever ties with her family after marriage? Stop expecting dowries and report those who do to the authorities. Ensure that every girl is sent to school and make sure that we teach our young boys to share the workload of household chores. Let’s make sure that we teach our boys that leering is a disgusting habit, and let’s ensure that they are taught to respect women. Let’s hope that the media stops teaching our youth to objectify women and instead teaches them how to cherish women and make them feel cherished.

Let us pledge to ensure the financial empowerment of all our daughters and bring them into the leadership structure of our society, thereby striking a balance and introducing a more nuanced approach to many of society’s problems.

Let the Woman bloom to her full extent!

Valli

“Yes, the whole thing is indeed a farce! I must be dreaming! But, then again, the weight of the bundle in my arms feels very real. It feels warm, and it squirms too. I had thought of a name for it, but I cannot remember it now. Though, I do remember the emotions that the name had evoked when I had first thought of it. Warm, ebullience had filled my bosom. Not the kind of happiness that one feels for a moment and forgets the next. This was more like the warmth that the coal retains, sustains and emits for hours.

My mother in law had seemed to be a genial and warm lady. After my marriage, as is tradition, I moved into my husband’s home. This tradition is indeed changing in India, but as with the other changes in India, it is mostly confined to the middle classes and the richer populace. Not that I am complaining. There are certain distinct advantages to the joint family system. The emotional and physical support that members extend to prop up each other during times of duress is incomparable.

Only, there isn’t anyone that I could share my feelings with right now. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel any emotions. Or maybe, like the coals of happiness, the coals of deep sorrow are gradually tending towards their ignition point, after which I cannot bear to think of the weight that would build up in my bosom, replacing the weight of the bundle in my arms.

Most stories in our media today vilify the mothers in law. But in Hindi, we call them Saas, a word that closely resembles the Hindi word Saans, meaning breath. Probably because, they are meant to be the breath of life, infusing new joy in our lives, and indulging upon their sons or daughters in law lavishly.

My Saas had indeed been a breath of fresh air. She had been ecstatic when my husband had proudly proclaimed our pregnancy. She too had begun thinking of names. Ashok, Bharat, Raja, Dharmar, Eeshan, Murgesh… The list had been long. But none of those names matched the effect that the one name that I had thought of for you had had on me. What had it been? Va… Vana… no it was Valli! Valli, a beautiful Tamil name. It somehow gave a tangible form and meaning to all my desires and aspirations that I had built up for you while you were still in my womb!

The tragedy of the our nation is not the countless wrongs and evils in society, but the nonchalance with which all of it is accepted. To an average Indian, it is normal for the powerful men to get away with rape, theft, murder, goondaism, and even genocides. We have had a few pogroms of our own, and the perpetrators are still walking freely on our streets, occupying positions of power and the people accept it nonchalantly. Aside from these age old strategies of politics, we also have a growing nexus, an evil wedlock between the government and the industrialists. Where this is going to take our society, I cannot fathom.

However, the greatest crime that our society has inflicted upon itself is probably the mass murder of the Girl child!

Yes, I shall shortly be joining the ranks of the millions who have made their little girl children disappear.

My Valli, why do you keep looking up at my face? With such a gentle smile too, resting peacefully in my apparently reassuring and secure arms, do you not sense the monstrous deed that I am about to carry out?

How things got this bad this soon I cannot understand. During the earlier stages of my pregnancy, the doctors had already indicated to us your gender. Though this is illegal, it is quite common for the medical practitioners to flout the law and add a healthy supplement to their monthly income.

Society has ganged together and has decided to rip apart the Girl Child. At every stage of Her life, she faces numerous dangers. While within the warm womb, she probably thinks she is safe from the grubby, bloody paws of the world. While in her infancy, she does not understand why she does not get the same quality of food and clothing, love and care that the family bestows upon her brothers. While in her youth, she bows her head while walking in the streets, ignoring the catcalls and the leers and fervently hopes that she gets home without being molested. While her womanhood blossoms, she is forced to cull the tiny buds of Her next generation. As a woman, she is forced into a subservient position, with none of her humanity being recognized and respected.

My situation is similar. My sweet mother in law turned into a vicious venom spewing putrid monster when I refused to abort. My father in law tried giving me “practical” advice by summoning up all his worldly wisdom. My husband at first seemed like he cared for you. With time, and with the constant stream of venom being filled into his head, he too turned against me... and you!

What am I to do dear Valli? No, I cannot look upon your face if you smile! Stop smiling! I shall pinch you and make you cry… but wait, what if the noise attracts the creatures of the dark? The river Cauvery runs deep and still at this point. We shall sit here on the shore for a while, just you and me Valli.

A woman is brought up and prepared to be inducted into the patriarchal society. Her education is compromised upon. Why would she require an education? She is to be married off to some other family, she wouldn’t need professional skills, all she needs is to know how to cook and run the household!

Well, running the household is harder than most men would realize. And we hardly get any credit for it Valli! Well, all this does not matter, for you shall swim for one last time in the cool womb of Mother Cauvery.

Look, at those puppies there Valli. What a joy it is to watch them and their mother! Ever so dedicated and selfless is She! But look now Valli! I shall give it some milk from your bottle, I hope you don’t mind, we mothers should stick up for each other, shouldn’t we.

But look now! A dog has come and driven away the mother, it is lapping up all the milk! She has meekly submitted! She is subjugated across all specie, Valli!

My dear baby, why did I ever bring you into this world? My eyes are welling up now. Before my bosom explodes, I shall drop you into the water! Oh! Don’t look at me that way! I am evil! I am a monster, do not smile at me Valli!

But look now! The dog! It is lunging towards the little pups. Surely, the way it is growling, it means to harm them! How much evil must I partake of today?

But the mother is standing her ground! The bitch is fighting back Valli! Look, she seems transformed from the meek submission of just a moment ago! Her canines are glowing and when she growls, it is as if I am growling along with her, as if, all her Mothers, since the ages past, since Her primeval beginnings are growling along with her!

She has fended him off Valli! Hurray! Mothers are not helpless after all!

Oh Valli! Let us not be hasty! I shall sit here and think of the various ways out for us. Surely I shall be able to provide for you!

Millions of women are happy and lead fulfilling lives under circumstances worse than ours. I have not completed my college degree, but at least I am educated! Human society is not as bad as the lawless world of the animals who live by their tooth and claws. India is not a jungle filled with debased animals.

Come Valli! We shall start our new life together. I hope you will forgive my momentary weakness and embark upon this new adventure along with me!

Oh! Why do you cry now! You stupid child! How can I possibly entrust you to the tempestuous Cauvery when you have not even learnt when to smile and when to cry?

I shall protect you with my life dear Valli! Fear not! We shall face life together! What is the worst that could happen? Worse than what could have happened tonight? Never! Come my love, our adventure awaits!"